Back To My Consciousness
01:47:00
Its all cleared, totally realize that its all only such a fictive euphoria,
Bagi yg sempet ngebaca ayat2 q sebelumnya ttg dia mungkin sudah mengetahui bahwa ini smua bakal terjadi,
yea such a fool me, too serious too soon just like those stupid song, huhhhhft..
Baru sekarang aq mulai mampu melihat smuanya dengan jelas dr sudut pandang lain, dr sisi luar bukan sebagai pecinta buta,
realize that he’s really not worth for it, that he’s not the man that i want for my whole life be.
Dulu, q sampai pernah bikin check list, all about him, about how he’s worth or not, and its end up with the conclusions that he’s really not worth it, I just cant believe that I’d consciously put myself into some stupid trap..
Dia adalah seorang pemain watak, pemain peran, bahkan dia mengakuinya dulu, dia akan melepas apapun yg menurut dia sudah diluar kontrol nya, yang menurutnya sudah nda berguna atau nda bermanfaat lagi, yang sudah nda seperti skenarionya lagi.
I should’ve know it from the start, yea I know but much prefer to ignore those premonitions..
Should I share all those check list ???
I don’t think so, let’s only me that knowing it, its not about im afraid he’ll notice, but just don’t think its worth to reveal it all here.
I need for about 3 weeks to cure,
untuk sebuah hubungan yg hanya berlangsung 2 bulan, hitungan 3 minggu untuk get cure itu adalah terlalu lama, byuh q akui dia hebat, sukses besar dia bikin hati q bolak balik nda karuan hanya dalam waktu singkat..
Aq tergoda buat nyeritain kisah2 q yg lalu sebelum dia, tp nanti akan tampak seolah2 aq sedang memperbandingkan.
Baru hari ini q berani menulis tentang berakhirnya kisah ini, after 3 weeks,
Setelah hati dan pikiran q benar2 telah jernih dan nda lagi tercampuri dan teracuni segala euphoria dan cinta buta,
Setelah q berhasil mengembalikan kepercayaan diri dr semua judgement yg dia tanamkan selama ini, yang membuat q merasa seperti seorang hina dan sangat bodoh, yang membuat q menjadi seorang yg lemah dan berprasangka.
Yang terus harus q pahami adalah bahwa aq kembali menjadi monster ketika bersama dia, monster yg dulu telah susah payah aq usir untuk kembali pada hidup yg normal, bahwa aq menjadi semakin lemah dengan semua judgement2 yang dia gunakan untuk mengendalikan skenario yang udah dia bikin.
Jempol sebanyak2 nya buat dia, dia sangat cerdik berkata2 dan memasang alibi untuk sgala hal yang iza mengamankan keberadaannya, nda hanya terhadap q, tp juga terhadap smua org2 disekitarnya..
I even should say sorry to his eks wife, maybe she had the same feeling like me [before] that sometime he will change, and still pray that GOD will open his heart for some sincereness, away from all game and trick for achieving his dignity.
Yea, I was pray for him all the time, I was adore him and doing everything for him, i was blinded..
Bodohnya, adalah bahwa q sebenarnya telah menyadari smua itu, bahwa q telah membaca situasi ini sejak awal, melalui berbagai premonitions, some source questioning serta beberapa analisa hati dan pikiran, tapi q tetap bertahan,
why ???
Was it because I Love Him ???
Was it really love or just some euphoria ??? i cant tell u, maybe I was wrong thinking that I love him, or maybe I was in love with him.
Everytime he told me that im wrong, that I was the bad guy for making his life such those, that im the one that ruin everything, yea I admit that I was too excited having a real man after a long time, after all crash on me before.
But, I just realize by now that it’s all only the way he cover up his own alibi.
I should’ve know it, but still hurt for me, still slicing my heart for every words he told me, still so bad everytime he act like a fool blaming me all the time, and I’m in it. I cant get out of it, for reasons that I don’t understand either.
Every single things must be significant, rite ??
Even on this story of mine, yea [again] I’d learn about love [and life], thx GOD I’d been given un-ordinary life so I can be much more stronger than any else does, so I can step up carefully.
Its about ENJOYING MISTAKES, sure I know that Life is about Learning, so I will keep my spirit ON, and face it all through.
Rasa sakit bukanlah alasan untuk berhenti atau menyalahkan keadaan..
[pipiholic]
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